The Celtics lost and I’m not okay

This can’t happen again.

The Celtics can not lose to the Heat on a string of mathematically outlandish shooting performances again. They can not stand around like deer in a boxing ring made out of headlights again as their opponents rain threes on their bewildered heads. They can not look confused or defeated when Miami brings their A-game when the Celtics were bracing for a chill C+.

And it’s not going to happen again, but we all got a glimpse of what it could look like if it did on Wednesday night. Armed with their recently-outlawed bioweapon known as M.I.S.S. (Miami Induced Shell Shock), the Heat proceeded to make every three in human history as the Celtics MISSed (see what I did there) every opportunity to take control of the game.

It’s not like the Celtics got blown out, and they had lots of chances to snag that game from the inevitably encroaching jaws of defeat. Jaylen Brown scored 11-straight points to close out the half, but the Celtics failed to follow it up with a strong start to the third. Derrick White brought a lightning-strike six points to cut the lead to five in the fourth quarter, but the Heat had the answer.

Each time Boston tried to finally turn the tide, Miami hit a three. It was a brutal spectator experience, made even worse by the fact that I’m actually in Germany right now and stayed up until 3:45 AM to watch the game. I’ve endured the Heat’s barrages of black magic before, but doing it with the throes of physical exhaustion is a whole new animal.

In no way did the Celtics deserve to win or had the game stolen, as they certainly didn’t and it certainly wasn’t. Boston was outworked, outplayed, and most of all outshot to a degree that a win would have felt disingenuous. I still would have accepted a disingenuous win, but Miami earned it.

But there’s a certain cruelty to how they earned it, hearkening back to every insufferable tendency that sank the Celtics last year and doing so in a way that defies logical understanding. Boston could have weathered a storm of threes, but Miami left the rain clouds at home and brought an avalanche to TD Garden.

Avalanches are the deadly cousins of rainstorms. Someone at the wrong place at the wrong time could get into trouble in the rain, but avalanches have an uncontrollable license to kill whenever…